*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
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If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.