[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
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“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The happy life.. 😊
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.