me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
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i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
where do you see yourself in five years?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
crying
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.