‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
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Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Tastes like chicken.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.