Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
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things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
How about I get 100% off by already being there
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water