At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
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Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting