[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
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Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Said the murderer.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
X-tra spooky blend
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning