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I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.