Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
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if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony