mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
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My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
moms in horror movies
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now