I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
You Might Also Like
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Ugh
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.