had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese