This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
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[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.