Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
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I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Why font matters.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
The internet is full of many things
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!