i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
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Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep