My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
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[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
A completely valid reaction tbh
According to math, I’m broke
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.