Shower sex be like:
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The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes