Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
You Might Also Like
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.