May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
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Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*