“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
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You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
and now we wait
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*