Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
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I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY