Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ