me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
You Might Also Like
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia