WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
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I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Go hard or stay average
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Why am I like this?
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.