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My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.