Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
The struggle is real
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.