This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
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Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.