WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
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The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My work here is done
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.