People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
for all #parents out there
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.