Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
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It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
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Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Siri, fight Alexa.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.