Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
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[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
😏😏😏
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I’d use my best pan on you.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes