I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
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I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I like donuts.
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sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day