[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
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Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*