I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
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Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Vodka burrito was a success
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil