How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
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When the stylist spins you back around
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Friday
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Uh oh…
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”