I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
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[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol