Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
You Might Also Like
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!