[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
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“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.