Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
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[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
My work here is don’t.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death