Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
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this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I told my vodka about you.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.