Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
pls suprot
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Cats are still liquid.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.