There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
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Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.