God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
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My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
*mops up wine with cat*
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band