alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
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I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
this is uni
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor