Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
My therapist after every session
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
It has been 3 years since Monday.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Strangers have the best candy.