Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?