[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
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There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve