I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Every. Damn. Time.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping