I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
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Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”