Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
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Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.